Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
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6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Jail
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*