Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
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Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.