The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
You Might Also Like
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty