Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options