I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
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If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit