Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
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Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY