2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
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*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday