ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
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you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18