Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
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Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
when there are deer in the woods
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)