almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
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okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there