*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
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Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]