me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
You Might Also Like
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
How to properly lift a body
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Life is a suicide mission.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no