The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
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my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU