A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
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Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.