Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
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Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
I am, perchance