It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
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For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Meeeee too!
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards