America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
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Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?