If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
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ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Hello Twits.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.