Lmbo
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I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.