William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
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*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
#Caturday
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.