[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
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Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Awesome parenting 😂
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends