Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
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QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Cake safety first. Always.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Good morning, Twitter 😊
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57