Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
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Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.