Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
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I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Seas the day!!!!
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body