[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
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Are kids ever okay at all?😂
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.