I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
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Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Money is the root of all wealth
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.