I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
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The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me