Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
You Might Also Like
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I’m Sold!
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it