[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
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You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
as is their right
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Sign of the day..
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.