Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
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Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
🤣🤣💀
That’s amazing.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!