Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
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Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.