So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
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The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
“you recording!?”
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty