Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
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If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
accurate
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son