I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
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I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
The symmetry is uncanny.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
I am also baked goods
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
I told my vodka about you.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.