Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
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That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say