I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
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GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs