This makes total sense…
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The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Rambo Rambow
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.