Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
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Made a playlist for your weekend hike
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad