I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
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You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Extremely relatable.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
It do be feeling this way.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.