Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
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WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
lmao
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?