Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
You Might Also Like
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.