A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
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[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.