One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
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Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
awesome draft from months ago i just found
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib