No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
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Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.