7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
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FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
I am also baked goods
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something