I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
You Might Also Like
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people