Sheep
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[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.