Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
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When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
🤣🤣🤣
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda