Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
You Might Also Like
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
channeling her this year
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.