how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
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I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Breaking news:
*mops up wine with cat*
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.